Exercise Guilt

And not the kind you get when you skip a session.

I just finished doing my running/walking for an hour for the third day in a row, and I’m cooling down now before either hopping in the shower or convincing the boys to go swimming.

Why do I feel such guilt for exercising? I’ve battled with this feeling for years. I find compromises, like having the boys play in the yard while I run, but still the guilt is there.

Little E. trots up to me in his camouflage boots and says, “I exercise with you mommy,” and holds out his chubby hand for me to grasp it. And it breaks my heart to snap back, “Not with me! If you want to exercise, go in the back yard or go swing.”

But I have to. I would get no exercise if I kept pace with a four year old, and the whole point is to get fit so that I can be healthier, stronger, and a better example to my daughters.

But the guilt! Oi!  He walks away dejectedly pouting. After a few minutes I see him playing with the dogs, laughing and covering them in that fine dirt that always collects under the oak trees. I begin to realize that a little boy’s life does not have to revolve around his mommy. Maybe it’s good for him to find things to do independently.

I am an overindulgent mom. If you know me, you know how much of an understatement that is. It’s one of my huge faults – to indulge my kids. I love being a mom. I love the time I spend with my kids. I love doing things with them. But I need to learn to love myself, to love spending time doing something for me and not to feel guilty about it.

I’m doing it. Slowly. A little every day. I start out by letting the boys know that mom is going outside to run. They are welcome to join me, but what are the rules? Nearly in unison they say, “Don’t go out by the road.” And? “If we need something ask our sisters or get it ourselves.” And? “Don’t come up to you when you’re running.”

Not that they always follow the rules, but they’re beginning to see that I’m not budging. It’s something I MUST do for me, even if I feel guilty.

Weight Loss Myth

I blew a myth in the last two months, and I’m not pleased by it. I’ve been a subscriber to health magazines for year (I know, you wouldn’t know it by looking at me), and an enthusiast for tidbits of health wisdom. 

A couple of years ago I read some study that showed that those who consistently walk 10,000 steps a day or more will lose weight without adding anything else to their routine, such as dietary changes or aerobic exercise. Dog doody!!!

For two months now (just looked on my calendar, and I started this on May 4^th), so for 2 months now, I have made it my goal to keep my step count up. Starting at 9,000 steps a day, I quickly worked up to a daily goal of 10,000, which I’ve now kept for over a month.  Legs were sore for the first three weeks. Energy level increased noticeably, But, and this is a big fat rhino butt, no weight loss. None! Not a single pound shed.

Okay, I understand that in compensating for my increase in activity (I was averaging about 4,000 to 5,000 steps a day before May), I ate with no restraints and no restrictions. Not a good idea. With that in mind, I’m greatly surprised that I did gain any weight. But I’m still 170. Yes, I am 170 and wear a size 14, which is 2 sizes higher than a year ago and 3 sizes higher than what I want to be wearing. Sure, I can wear most size 12’s and even a few 10’s, but 14 is my comfy size.

Back to the busted myth. I can not simply increase my steps and lose weight. I came to that realization and am very disappointed by it. Now what do I do? The definite need for a plan is apparent. I need to eat better and less. Drink more water and make the occasional alcoholic beverage even more scarce. Plus exercise in some sort of aerobic way.

I’m starting to figure out that the truth is that there are no secret tips or strategies for weight loss and health increase other than a proper diet and consistent aerobic exercise. That’s the secret.  Why would I think that hard work, proper planning and self-restraint are necessary for any life change? Silly me.

So today, to kick off my two month weight loss failure, I made a plan. It’s not a complex plan, but a plan nonetheless.

Every Day:

Walk/run 30 to 40 minutes (increase to an hour in the winter with the nice weather)

Eat 3 balanced meals

Drink 8 glasses of water or my homemade herbal tea

At Least Every Other Day:

Get in a little swimming in the summer, fall & spring

Yoga

How do I fit this into my busy crazy life of homeschooling, running too many activities, and trying to be superwoman? I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to find the time. Run and walk with the boys outside playing. They certainly can use the hour outside. Swim with the boys – they would love that! Yoga at night instead of retiring to bed early or in the morning instead of goofing off on the net.

I give myself a 2 month goal, working on fitting the exercise in first, and then seriously improving the health quality of what I cook: lower fat and less sweets. I need to realize that food can be good for you and tasty rather than just tasty.

I have my goals, I’m off to a good start (just got done with 45 minutes of alternating between walking and jogging), and I’ll see where this adventure leads to.

31 Days of Yoga and Meditation: Day 2

I took my yoga workout outside today, and it was great. I've been doing the same old dvd's for weeks now (off and on anyway). I wanted something different. So with my yoga mat in hand, I settled in the middle of the yard to do some basic floor poses and stretches, a couple of warrior stances and a balancing pose or two. (That's me to the right - I'm hoping there are less jiggly bits in a couple of months.)

An odd thing happened. While I was doing a lying down spinal twist, I started noticing the world around me. It was hot and muggy, not pleasant outdoor exercise weather at all. A rain storm was about to break any second, and I could hear thunder off in the distance. Then a murder of crows landed in our oak trees. There must have been a hundred or more, all squawking and yammering. What awesome foci!

Yoga hurts. It never stops hurting. If you get stronger and more flexible, there is always a more advanced way to do each pose. It will always hurt.

The stretching and strength building is not the most important part of yoga. Sure it is important. It makes the body strong, stretches the spine and releases tension and toxins in the joints, but the controlled use of breath to lengthen the stretch, straighten the alignment and breathe through the pain is why I do yoga.

And while outside in some painful pose or another I was able to breathe in the sky, the wind, the birds singing and transcend the discomfort.

One thought I had today, as I was outside doing yoga with my kids sitting inside (the girls watching the boys) and feeling the twinge of guilt for being so "decadent," is why do women, mothers especially, feel guilty for doing things that are good for them. Exercise, meditation, or anything that takes time away from the family - guilt. I read the same sentiment in the blog of a friend who just started an exercise program. We moms feel that unless it benefits the family, we should de-prioritize it. We can do it when everyone else is settled and all of our duties are taken care of.

But the irony is that when we take the time to exercise, meditate, garden, bead, blog or whatever it takes to make us feel once more like real people, we are happier with ourselves, nicer to those around us and less likely to stress out about all the little things. So I'm taking the time for myself - after all 25 minutes a day isn't a lot.

And what I've discovered is that rather than begrudging us this time and space, most people support. We're the only ones with feelings of selfishness and guilt. Everyone around us thinks it's wonderful that we do this for ourselves. Husbands support us and offer to take on extra duties (like putting the kids to bed) to give us what we need.

So it's an internal thing that needs to be stamped out!

31 Days of Yoga and Meditation: Day 1

Wrote this last night, but didn't get a chance to post it.

Yoga: What I thought was a 30 minute work-out video turned out to be about 18 minutes after subtracting the talking part. Other than that, it was a good stretching. Nothing too strenuous, but with my hips, I need the stretching. Since I did toning last night, I don't feel so bad.

Meditation: With my trance group meeting this Monday, I decided to try a trance pose that I may get the group to do. They have not yet done any floor poses -just standing poses. Kneeling with knees about 10 inches apart, sitting on heels and leaning forward slightly. Hands are in a specific position on the knees.

The meditation was good, but not the most powerful I've had. I kept falling forward and it did not feel like it was part of the trance. About 2/3 of the way through, when I admitted that this pose was not working for me, I switched to another more powerful one. It's still a kneeling pose, but slightly different configuration.

The meditation aspect of ecstatic trance work is not as relaxing as standard meditation (well, ET isn't really a meditation). But the several minutes of breath-work and visualization before makes it count. Of course, as with any floor posture, I continued the deep breathing afterwards in order to bring the circulation back into my legs, which are still tingling ten minutes later.

31 Day Yoga & Meditation Challenge

Why am I letting stress be part of my daily life when I have tools so readily available to change my attitude?

I’m challenging myself for the next 31 days to a Yoga and Meditation Challenge. Each day I’m going to do at least:

- 15 minutes of Yoga

- 10 minutes of Meditation

Let’s see if I feel any different at the end of the 31 days.

Yoga: It can be any type of yoga from Sun Salutations to 15 minutes of yoga stretches. What is important is to be present and breathe with the movements. Exercises similar to yoga can be substituted, such as Tai Chi or slow moving Kadas.

Meditation: The point is to focus for 10 minutes. Passive or Zen meditation is fine, but it can also be an active meditation combined with walking, dance or even mowing the lawn - mindfulness is the key.


Anyone want to join me?